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One of the many things that parents take for granted is their mental health. It's often considered "selfish" to put yourself first, even when you're mentally drained and burned out.

But one thing I learned the hard way is that a parent's mental health matters, far more than we realize. It's actually one of the many reasons that we decided to be an only-child family.

The Guilt When You Put Yourself First

Both my husband and I are guilty of occasionally putting ourselves first.

We feel guilty when we take a few minutes to rest while our toddler plays on her own.

I feel guilty when I leave our daughter at home with my husband sometimes just so I can go out for a cup of coffee and have some peace and quiet. 

At one point, we left our daughter at a daycare for a couple of hours so we can have a proper date after two long years, and we felt a tinge of guilt for that.

But you know? It's not selfish. Putting yourself first as a parent and caring for your mental health is perfectly okay.

As first-time parents, or even parents of multiples, finding time to take care of yourself is an elusive luxury. And what makes it more difficult is that parents are made to think that doing so is an act of neglect, or worse, child abuse. 

What's wrong with taking a little breather for just a few minutes or a few hours, while also making sure your child is taken care of by a trusted caregiver?

And what's wrong with deciding to be one and done if doing so gives you more peace of mind?

Photo by Luma Pimentel on Unsplash

The Struggles of Being a First-Time Parent

Everybody will agree on this: being a first-time parent is hard.

And it's especially true during the newborn stage when your little bundle of joy turns out to be a little energy vampire who wakes up at the most inconvenient time.

The first three months when our daughter was born is still a blur to me—I can't remember much of it except for my husband and I being so perpetually exhausted and sleep-deprived.

Praise all the saints that when our daughter was 3.5 months old, she started sleeping through the night—or at least for around 4 hours straight before she cried and asked to be fed or held.

Our daughter is relatively an "easy" baby: She isn't colicky, she breastfeeds well, she sleeps through most nights, and is generally undemanding. 

My pregnancy was rather uneventful too (save for eight whole months of whole-day "morning" sickness), and I had a quick delivery (just one push!).

That's one of the reasons why I feel guilty about being one and done: I had it easy, while some others had it worse, but I chose to stop at one. Am I a bad mother for not wanting more children?

However, things were not always that easy. During pregnancy, I suffered from prenatal depression, to the point that there was not a day that I did not consider suicide.

I did not seek help, and this carried on for months and months.

Deciding to become a stay-at-home mom didn't make things better for me either. The loneliness and monotony of staying home 24/7 was just too much for me to handle, that most of the time, I was grumpy and easily stressed out. 

What made it worse was that I kept on thinking, "How the hell will I survive if we had a second child, or more?"

Photo by Liv Bruce on Unsplash

Deciding to Be One and Done

All the while, I felt guilty because our daughter couldn't get the best parts of me because the dark cloud of depression and the anxiety of planning for a second child was plaguing me. 

My mental health was going down the drain, until one day, I said to my husband in a fit of distress:

"I don't want a second child! I'm done!"

Then he said, "It's all right. I'm fine with just one."

All the while I was wallowing in my sorrow, I didn't even stop to think about my husband's mental health.

He was emotionally and physically drained too, and I didn't pay attention. If we hadn't opened up to each other that time, our marriage would have been inadvertently affected as well.

After a long talk and months of being on the fence, we decided that having an only child was best for all of us:

  • We can dedicate all our love, attention, and energy to our daughter.
  • We can have more time on our hands to fit in travel, mental health days, and simple family bonding activities, without stressing over finances and childcare.
  • We can have more money to save for our daughter's tuition fees and all her needs, as well as our retirement, mortgage, car, business plans, etc.
  • And most importantly, we can be happier and better parents for our daughter because we have more time to take care of our mental health.
Photo by Jeniffer Araújo on Unsplash

Happy Parent, Happy Child

When we finally became more confident with our decision to be one and done, I also found it easier to deal with the stresses of parenthood.

I stopped putting too much pressure on myself because I didn't have to worry about preparing for a second baby. 

I coped with my depression better because I started to see the world more clearly, now that the dark cloud is slowly going away. 

Our house felt a lot like home because the tension between our marriage is gone, and this also meant a happier environment for our daughter to grow up in.

I worried less and enjoyed motherhood more: every smile, every laughter, and every moment was precious because our daughter will be our first and last. 

It's bittersweet, but it's also freeing. Indeed, a happy parent equals a happy child. 


The Bottom Line

So is it selfish to stop at one child to be happier and less stressed? Are we bad parents for putting our mental health first? 

The answer is definitely NO.
July 15, 2020 No comments

 



As a parent of an only child, finding support is few and far between. It seems everyone around you is a parent of two or more children.

And while there might be some who are supportive of your decision (or if the decision was made for you), there's nothing like connecting with other only child parents—those who totally get you.

Luckily, there are several support groups you can find online, particularly on Facebook and Reddit.

Here are some of the best Facebook Groups and subreddits where parents of an only child can get support.

Facebook


One and Done: Parents of an Only Child by Choice

This is my go-to support group for parents (and parents-to-be) who are one and done by choice, and are nearly 100% in their decision.

What I love about this group is that it's well-maintained by the admins, and most of the members there are really quite lovely!

Group description: This group is for parents of ONLY children by CHOICE. A safe place to share in our journeys as parents of only children: the positive and negative aspects.
Location: Worldwide
Number of members as of July 2020: 5,900++


Parents of Only Children by Choice

This is another support group for one and done parents by choice and are quite sure of their decision.

Group description: This group is for parents of only children by choice! Feel free to share the joys or hardships of having an only.
Location: Worldwide
Number of members as of July 2020: 4,900++


One and Done on the Fence

This is the first group I joined prior to joining the first group I mentioned. It's for parents of an only child (or parents-to-be as well) who are still grappling with the decision of keeping their family size small. 

The group has also evolved to keeping members who have gone to the other side of the fence and had their second children. It's not my cup of tea, but their input definitely gives you a good perspective. 

Group description: This is a group for parents deciding whether or not to have more than one child. Feel free to share, ask for advice and support. 
Location: Worldwide
Number of members as of July 2020: 6,700++

One and Done Not By Choice - Embracing It

I am honestly not a member of this group, but this has been recommended by many of the members from the On the Fence group. 

As the group name suggests, it's for parents who are struggling with infertility and other circumstances where the decision to be one and done are made for them.

Group description: This group is especially for being one and done not by choice and you have come to terms with it after the rollercoaster of emotions.
Location: Worldwide
Number of members as of July 2020: 665++


Parents of Only Children

This is a more generic group for only child parents. It's quite a nice group with equally nice and decent members who are supportive, whether you're OAD by choice or by circumstance.

Group description: Do you have a One-derful only child, either by choice or circumstance? Are you comfortable knowing that having an only child is awesome, ignoring all of the ridiculous and false stereotypes that society often places on onlies?
Location: Worldwide
Number of members as of July 2020: 8,600++


One and Done - Single Child Families

This is another generic group for single child parents, welcoming those who decided by choice and those struggling with infertility. 

The group is also for adult onlies who are not parents yet but are deciding whether being one and done is right for them.

Group description: This group was originally started for people who choose to have only one child and were tired of people questioning their decision. As the group has grown, we have added a lot of people with fertility issues. We also have some members who aren’t one and done themselves but are only children and others who are trying to decide if OAD is for them.
Location: Worldwide
Number of members as of July 2020: 4,800++

Moms of Only Children

This is a group specifically for mothers of single children, by choice or not. It's one of my favorites as well because many of the members are really nice and friendly!

Group description: This is a group where Moms with only one child can share in the unique joys, struggles and wonders of having a single child. This group is here to enable moms who (either by choice or by God's will) only have one child and want a safe place to discuss the problems, stigma, JOY and exclusive issues facing a mommy raising an only child.
Location: Worldwide
Number of members as of July 2020: 4,900++


Parents of Only Children Travel Group

This is a more niche group for only child families who love to travel. It's a great place to exchange travel advice and generally to discuss all things travel-related.

Group description: This is a group for parents with one child that loves to travel, meet new friends, and discover new places.
Location: Worldwide
Number of members as of July 2020: 990++


Homeschooling an Only Child with Love

This another niche group that's quite relevant today as we embrace the new normal. It's a group for parents who are homeschooling their only child.

Group description: This homeschool group is to encourage, support, and inspire homeschoolers of only children. It is a place to share ideas, ask questions, and facilitate making learning fun and engaging for our children.
Location: Worldwide
Number of members as of July 2020: 660++


Moms of an “Only Child” Away At College

This is a great group for mothers of singletons who are now in college, and are seeking support and encouragement from other "empty nesters."

Group description: This is a group for moms with only one child and that child is away at college. We seem to get each other because we all have those two things in common. We welcome you to say or ask anything you’d like. We are here to support each other.
Location: Worldwide
Number of members as of July 2020: 1,500++

___

Reddit


r/oneanddone

This is a great subreddit for only child parents, both by choice and by circumstance. It's best for those who have already embraced the one and done status nearly 100%.

r/Shouldihaveanother

This subreddit is best suited for parents who are still on the fence about being one and done. It also welcomes other parents who have more than two children and are deciding whether to add another child in their family.

___

These and more will be added if I get to find other great support groups for parents like us.

How about you, do you have other online support groups you can suggest? Leave it in the comments!
July 14, 2020 No comments

 



Only children are unfortunately riddled with negative stereotypes: lonely, spoiled, self-centered, weird, and severely lacking of social skills. 

What most people don't know, and what researchers have found based on the latest studies, is that only children are just as social as kids with siblings and enjoy the same number of close friendships.

Only Children: Fact vs. Fiction

Some of these misconceptions are often reinforced by media: movies or books with characters who are only children made to be portrayed as the stereotypical spoiled and bossy brat. 

But to the delight of only children and only-child parents, there are a significant number of only children in fiction who are well-adjusted and good examples of what a "normal" only child is in real life.


Here are our top 10 picks of fictional characters who are only children:


1. Riley from Inside Out

The movie Inside Out follows the story of a tween girl named Riley. I'm sure many of you have watched it more than twice (I know I did!).

Aside from the fact that she's an only child who is loving, kind, and caring, the depiction of Riley helps children to understand their feelings and emotions better as they transition from being a child to a teenager. 

I love how the movie focuses on the happy parts of being a triangle family. It helps reassure OAD parents like us that through our loving kindness, support, and good parenting, our onlies will be fine no matter what.



2. Hermione Granger from Harry Potter

The Harry Potter series doesn't shy away from single-child characters: There's Harry Potter himself,  his father James Potter, his cousin Dudley Dursley, his good friends Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood, and his archenemy Draco Malfoy (and even Lord Voldemort!).

But one only-child character from the franchise that stood out among the rest is Hermione Granger.

She is what Dr. Kevin Leman in his book The New Birth Order Book describes as the perfect fit for the typical only child: fiercely independent, mature for her age, a voracious reader, and a perfectionist. 

Hermione has also stood as a good example for many young girls. Her intelligence, wit, bravery, and kind heart are virtues that bolster the self-confidence in girls, who are otherwise taught by society to keep a feminine and meek stance at all times.

Hermione (and even Emma Watson, the actress herself) is a modern-day hero for all of the young women in society, both only children and children with siblings alike.


3. Christopher Robin from Winnie the Pooh

Winnie the Pooh's creator, A.A. Milne, had an only child named Christopher Robin Milne. Incidentally, his son was the basis for the character Christopher Robin in A.A. Milne's beloved children's classic book.

The highly social, cheerful, adventurous, and imaginative youngster in the Winnie the Pooh books, cartoons, and movies is proof that only children are just the same as most kids with siblings.

His character also portrays him as a child who is much mature and wiser for his age, a trait shared by many only children.


4. Moana from Moana

The title character of Disney's Moana is not your average Disney princess.

Moana, being an only child, is groomed to be Motunui's next chief—a prestigious title and one that is lauded by many modern feminists, as the position is traditionally given to a male heir.

Headstrong, brave, yet compassionate and respectful, Moana is among the strongest female characters in Disney-Pixar history.

As such, she sets a good example for only children in particular, as Moana exudes an aura of strength, level-headedness, and integrity despite the pressures of being the sole heir of a whole tribe (and island!).



5. Linda from Rio

Linda Gunderson is Blu's human companion in the movie Rio. Linda found the Blue Macaw hatchling when she was a young girl, and she took him in and cared for Blu for 15 years, and more.

Linda is an only child, who is like Hermione Granger in a sense that she is also a voracious reader, a bit of a perfectionist, and highly intelligent.

Soft-spoken, motherly, and gentle, Linda is portrayed as a positive role model for only children. Although a little socially awkward, Linda's compassion towards animals (birds specifically) is admirable.


6. Charlie from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Roald Dahl's Charlie Bucket from his book Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is an inspiration for many children—who wouldn't love to have a golden ticket to take a tour in a big chocolate factory?

Charlie, as you can see, stands in contrast with the rest of the golden-ticket children: he is kind, selfless, courageous, and honest.

What makes him more special is that he is an only child! He is definitely far from the stereotyped characteristics of only children.



7. Mavis from Hotel Transylvania

The only child of Count Dracula, Mavis is portrayed as a feisty, headstrong, and independent teenager.

However, she is far from being a spoiled brat; pampered, yes, but she adores her overprotective father still.

She is shown to have a gentler side, especially when she falls in love with Jonathan, a human.

After becoming a mother to an only child (Dennis) in the second movie, Mavis seemed to take after her father's overprotective nature.

Overall, Mavis is a picture of a pampered yet well-adjusted only child, with such a big heart to love and accept someone who isn't of her own kind.


8. Hiccup from How to Train Your Dragon

Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III, the only son of Valka, is a young Chief of the Hooligan Tribe.

Depicted as a scrawny and awkward teenager in the first movie, Hiccup does his best to prove himself as a Viking (and a chief of a tribe at that!), often causing him to do reckless things.

One of these reckless pursuits, however, led him to befriend Toothless, a dragon whom he trains.

Like Moana, he doesn't use his prestigious title to get his way. He does his best to overcome his insecurities for being a poor fighter. However, he is not without flaws.

Hiccup is seen to be prone to overconfidence and arrogance once he started to prove himself as a better fighter.

Despite all that, his relationship with Toothless is a testament that he has a deep sense of compassion and that he has his heart in the right place.


9. Belle from Beauty and the Beast

Disney princesses are mostly only children with widowed fathers. There's Cinderella, Snow White, and Ariel, to name a few. But one princess stands out from the rest, and that's Belle.

In the latest live-action film of Beauty and the Beast, Belle's character is played by Emma Watson, a role only befitting to her off-camera personality: they are both bookworms, intelligent, loving, caring, and fiercely brave.

Despite claims of having Stockholm syndrome, Belle is by far one of the strongest Disney princesses to date, lauding intelligence and compassion over outside beauty, and underscoring the importance of being educated instead of settling for archaic female roles.

10. Dustin from Stranger Things

Our favorite toothless cutie from Stranger Things is far from the stereotyped socially awkward only child.

Dustin is possibly the most intelligent of his group of friends and has a natural flair for leadership. An only child of a single mother, Dustin is portrayed as a young boy who is mature for his age, and even seems to relate better with older peers (or substitute mother, like Steve Harrington).

We love just how the friendship of the four boys are in the TV series, with each of them embodying contrasting personalities yet still having a strong sibling-like bond with one another.

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There are, of course, many other fictional only children both in literature and in film.

Who are your other favorite fictional only children? Share it in the comments section below!
July 13, 2020 No comments
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

My name is Kristenne, misis to Jerome and mommy to Kitty. I'm a work-at-home mom, writer, and editor. Learn more about what my blog is in the About page. If you'd like to work with me, or you have other questions and concerns, please feel free to contact me.



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