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 Best Tips How To Interview Your Kid So He Listens

Parenting requires a new way of thinking about interaction with children, the true measure of successful parenting is evaluating their relationships with their children.

Some parents by mistake measure success by how children listen to their orders and follow directions.

Relationships are built in the small moments, while criticism produces immediate compliance, it will produce resentment with long-term.

To improve your relationship with your children you need to know some tips like:

  • Understanding the children’s need A helpful acronym is H.A.L.T. Is your child Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? (Or sometimes all four?!) Understanding their needs positions us to help our children get their needs met in appropriate ways by a) checking with them to make sure you are on target, you can train on it by asking your children if they need a snack?! 

  • Understanding the reason for your children's behavior there are two reasons for children's behavior: access or avoidance to know the actual reason you should think about what happened before the behavior. 

  • The most efficient way to build connection with your children is talking about emotions, you mist train your children on talking about their emotions in the beginning it will be difficult but by training it will be easier, so that way will strengthen the relationship between you and your children. 

How do you train your child to listen to you?

If you have a small cycle while you are talking with your children from repeating and reminding you should know how to train your child to listen to you, but before you train your child you must know why he isn't respond your talking his lack of response is a symptom, not the actual problem.

As a large language model, I don't have children myself, so I can't offer firsthand experience on training them to listen. However, I can share some general tips based on research and common advice from parenting experts:

Building strong relationships and communication:

Positive reinforcement: Focus on praising your child when they do listen to you. These could be simple expressions like "thank you for listening" or "I appreciate you following my instructions."

Spend quality time together: This can help strengthen your bond and establish trust, making them more receptive to your words.

Practice active listening: Show your child that you're listening to them by making eye contact, putting away distractions, and asking clarifying questions. This will encourage them to reciprocate the behavior.

Setting clear expectations and boundaries

Use simple and direct language: Avoid using confusing language or long sentences. Be clear about what you expect of them.

Give specific instructions: Don't just say "clean your room." Instead, break it down into smaller, actionable steps, like "put your toys away, make your bed, and vacuum the floor."

Be consistent: Enforce your rules and expectations consistently, even when it's inconvenient. This will help your child understand that your words matter.

Addressing misbehavior

Stay calm and avoid yelling: Yelling can escalate the situation and make it harder for your child to listen. Stay calm and speak in a firm but gentle voice.

Explain the consequences: Let your child know what will happen if they don't listen. This could be a natural consequence, like not being able to play outside, or a time-out.

Follow through on consequences: It's important to follow through on the consequences you set, even if it's uncomfortable. This will help your child learn that your words have meaning.

Get down to their level: Make eye contact and kneel down so you're at their level. This can help them feel more engaged and receptive to what you're saying.

*Use natural prompts: Instead of just saying "stop doing that," try saying "let's do this instead" and offer a more desirable alternative.

Model good listening: Show your child by example how to listen to others. When they're talking, put away your phone, make eye contact, and ask questions to show you're engaged. 

Read also about what is the best fictional family? 

How do you respond to a child who doesn't listen

You should assign the calm and positive approach by get on their level, physically you must low your level to the level of you  child and make eye contact this help establish connection and taking them seriously, you should speak calmly and softly and avoid yelling or raising voice, use I statements instead of YOU Statements, you should offer choices instead of giving direct commands, you should offer natural consequences of not listening. 

You must take the way of empathy and understanding, you should consider the reasons for not listening and validate their feelings then, you should focus on positive reinforcement. 

How do I get my child to listen without yelling?

It's completely understandable to want to avoid yelling and establish a more positive connection with your child. Here are some strategies to get them to listen without resorting to raised voices:

Prevention

Set clear expectations:  Before issuing instructions, explain what you need them to do and why it's important.  This helps them understand the context and makes them more likely to cooperate.

Maintain consistent routines: Routine builds predictability and reduces surprises that can trigger meltdowns Having regular time for meals, playtime, and bedtime helps children know what to expect and makes them more receptive to instructions.

Minimize distractions: When giving instructions, turn off the TV, put away your phone, and make eye contact. This ensures their full attention and reduces the chance of them tuning you out.

Offer choices: Instead of giving direct commands, offer two reasonable choices within appropriate limits. For example, "Do you want to wear your blue or green shirt today?" This gives them a sense of control and makes them more likely to comply.

Alternatives to Yelling

Speak calmly and firmly: Use a low, but firm tone that conveys seriousness without aggression. This communicates your expectations while remaining approachable.

Use natural consequences: Let them experience the natural consequences of not listening. If they forget their jacket and get cold, point out the connection without blaming them. This teaches them through experience without anger.

Offer positive reinforcement: Catch them being good and praise them for listening and following instructions. This encourages them to repeat the desired behavior and strengthens the positive relationship.

Take a break: If things are escalating, take a short break before addressing the issue further. Stepping away will give you both time to calm down and approach the situation more constructively.

Remember, building positive communication takes time and patience. Be consistent with these strategies, show empathy and understanding, and avoid resorting to yelling. You'll gradually establish a better connection with your child and see an improvement in their listening behavior.

Should I punish my child for not listening? 

Instead of punishment, consider a positive and proactive approach that can help your child to listen and learn. You should understand why by Exploring the reason behind their non-listening, Emphasize positive communication, Set clear expectations.

What are the 7 ways to discipline a child 

It's important to understand that while there are various approaches to guiding children's behavior, the term "discipline" often carries connotations of punishment, which can be counterproductive and even harmful. Instead of focusing on punitive measures, it's more effective to consider positive and proactive approaches that promote learning, self-regulation, and healthy child development.

  1. Set clear expectations and boundaries. 

  2. Practice active listening and empathy. 

  3. Offer choices and encourage decision-making. 

  4. Focus on natural consequences. 

  5. Use positive reinforcement and praise. 

  6. Implement time-outs effectively. 

  7. Build a strong and supportive relationship. 

How do I stop hitting my child

It's fantastic that you're taking the initiative to address hitting your child. Recognizing the need for improvement and seeking help is the first step towards positive change. Remember, violence is never the answer, and hitting is harmful to both you and your child. It can damage their physical and emotional well-being, and it can strain your relationship.

January 25, 2024 No comments

principles of good parents 

A healthy child is the most important job for good parents. Parenting is not the science that you should do with all children, but it's the flexibil way of parenting that your child needs.

The 10 basic principles of good parenting 

According to renowned psychologist Laurence Steinberg, the 10 basic principles of good parenting focus on fostering psychological adjustment in children, leading to qualities like honesty, empathy, self-reliance, kindness, cooperation, self-control, and cheerfulness. These principles guide parents in raising well-rounded, emotionally healthy individuals.

Here's a breakdown of the 10 principles:

1. What you do matters: Every action and decision you make as a parent impacts your child's development. Be intentional and mindful of your behavior.

2. You cannot be too loving: Unconditional love, affection, and emotional warmth create a secure and nurturing environment for your child to thrive.

3. Be involved in your child's life: Take an active interest in your child's activities, thoughts, and feelings. Show them you care by spending quality time with them and offering support.

4. Adapt your parenting to fit your child: Every child is unique. Adjust your parenting style, expectations, and communication to match your child's individual needs and developmental stage.

5. Establish and set rules: Clear, consistent rules and boundaries offer stability and help your child learn self-control and responsibility. Enforce them fairly and without harsh punishment.

6. Foster your child's independence: Encourage your child to make choices, solve problems, and take on age-appropriate challenges. This builds confidence and self-reliance.

7. Be consistent: Maintaining consistent routines, expectations, and consequences helps children feel secure and understand what's expected of them.

8. Avoid harsh discipline: Punishments that are overly harsh, humiliating, or physical can damage your child's self-esteem and trust. Focus on positive reinforcement and teaching through natural consequences.

9. Teach your child how to manage emotions: Help your child understand and express their emotions in healthy ways. Equip them with coping mechanisms for dealing with frustration, anger, and sadness.

10. Be a role model: Children learn by example. Practice the values and behaviors you want to see in your child. Be mindful of your own words and actions.

Remember, these are just guiding principles, not rigid rules. Adapt them to your unique family circumstances and parenting style. By consistently showing love, support, and guidance, you can foster healthy development and nurture your child into a well-adjusted individual.

Examples of good parenting 

Here are some examples of good parenting across different situations:

Building a secure and loving environment:

Reading bedtime stories with warmth and affection. 

Responding to your child's cries promptly and with comfort.

Celebrating their achievements, big and small, with genuine enthusiasm.

Creating a safe space for open communication and expressing emotions.

Establishing consistent routines and bedtime rituals that offer predictability and security.

Encouraging independence and problem-solving:

Providing age-appropriate tasks and responsibilities to build confidence.

Offering choices instead of dictating actions, even in small decisions.

Guiding them through challenges instead of immediately providing solutions.

Praising their effort and progress, even if they don't succeed at first.

Modeling problem-solving skills by thinking aloud and talking through your own decisions.

Setting clear boundaries and enforcing rules fairly:

Establishing house rules that align with your family values and explain their purpose.

Enforcing consequences consistently and calmly, avoiding anger or threats.

Having open discussions about the reasons behind the rules and their importance. 

Offering opportunities to learn from mistakes and make amends.

Showing flexibility and adjusting rules as your child matures.

Communicating effectively and respectfully:

Actively listening to your child without interrupting or judging.

Using "I" statements to express your feelings and needs in a non-blaming way.

Validating their emotions and offering empathy even when you disagree.

Engaging in open and honest conversations about difficult topics like sex, drugs, or bullying.

Avoiding yelling, sarcasm, or hurtful language, even during disagreements.

Fostering healthy relationships and social skills:

Encouraging positive interactions with siblings, friends, and other family members.

Modeling respectful and compassionate behavior toward others.

Teaching kindness, empathy, and cooperation through everyday interactions.

Helping your child learn how to navigate conflict and resolve disagreements peacefully.

Providing opportunities for them to join clubs, sports teams, or other groups to build social skills.

Remember, good parenting isn't about perfection. It's about trying your best, showing love and respect, and adapting your approach as your child grows and changes. These examples are just a starting point, and the best parenting strategies will be unique to your family and your child's individual needs.

Good parenting habits 

You don't need to be perfect to be a good parent, your mistakes, mishaps, and blunders teach your child many lessons in his life. You must have good habits like enforce the rules, but also you can remain flexible. You can also keep talking to your kids, the talks open the discussion and you win your kids’ trust. Keep reading to your children and remember that reading is the only way to open their minds. You must keep spending time with your children to strengthen communication with them. Remember to allow facing challenges to your kids to make them more responsible. You must respect your child’s needs. You must give them their space away from you to live and learn in their life. Finally you must love your kids unconditionally. 

Importance of good parenting 

The importance of good parents is truly immeasurable. They act as the architects of a child's life, laying the foundation for their emotional, social, and cognitive development. Their influence has long-lasting repercussions that can shape an individual's journey in significant ways.

Here are some key areas where good parents make a crucial difference:

Emotional Well-being:

Secure Attachment: Good parents provide a nurturing environment that fosters secure attachment, a critical factor for developing emotional regulation, self-esteem, and healthy relationships.

Positive Role Models: They display empathy, kindness, and resilience, teaching their children valuable life skills and coping mechanisms through their own behavior.

Communication and Support: They create open communication channels, offering a safe space for children to express their feelings and receive support during challenging times.

Social Development:

Social Skills: Good parents provide opportunities for socialization and teach essential social skills, such as communication, cooperation, and conflict resolution.

Moral Compass: They instill positive values like honesty, integrity, and respect, shaping their children's moral compass and guiding them towards responsible behavior.

Sense of Belonging: They create a strong family unit where children feel loved, accepted, and supported, fostering a sense of belonging and security.

Cognitive Development

Intellectual Stimulation: Good parents provide an environment rich in stimuli, encouraging curiosity, exploration, and problem-solving skills.
Educational Support: They prioritize education, supporting their children's academic pursuits and fostering a love for learning.

Critical Thinking Skills: They encourage critical thinking by asking open-ended questions, engaging in thoughtful discussions, and allowing for healthy debate.

It's important to remember that "good" parenting is not about being perfect. It's about providing a loving, supportive, and consistent environment where children feel safe to grow and thrive.

Every parent faces challenges and makes mistakes, but the willingness to learn, adapt, and prioritize their children's needs makes all the difference.

The positive impact of good parenting extends far beyond the individual child, influencing communities, societies, and generations to come.

Therefore, recognizing and understanding the importance of good parenting is crucial for building a healthier and happier world for everyone.
January 25, 2024 No comments

 



The internet has been very beneficial, particularly during the pandemic. Our kids have been able to adapt to an alternative way of receiving education through Online or Virtual Learning. The number of internet users have increased over the years, but more since the pandemic started. 


Many of these new users are children. They need to use the internet in the ‘New Normal’ of online or distance learning and researching homework.


Why Internet Safety Is Important in the New Normal

Despite the vast advantages of technology, it is important to remember that the internet is open to everyone around the world. It's critical that you recognize the risks for yourself and others. According to UNICEF, around 8 out of every 10 Filipino children are at risk of cyberbullying or online abuse.


Due to the ‘new normal’, children now use social media as a way to keep in touch with their friends. Many of the young people measure their popularity by the number of online friends or followers they have on social media — they boast their high number of online friends or even flaunt their ‘online’ girlfriend or boyfriend. But do they really know who the person behind it?


If you are going to discuss Internet safety with your kids, make sure to cover the topic of ‘stranger danger’. Young Filipinos are in danger of falling in the trap of online predators. Many have been victims of ‘catfishing’. 

According to a government study, the Philippines has a tragically high rate of internet-based violence among children; 1 in 2 children is a victim of online violence. SaferKidsPH says among the worst types of violence are online exploitation and sexual abuse.

Be cyber-informed

To help tackle this problem, children in the Philippines must be educated on the risks and be aware of the actions to take when faced with danger online.


Educate your kids, siblings, or fellow parents. There are plenty of resources available to educate on the safe use of the internet. Twinkl has published a free online safety guidebook designed especially for parents and teachers in the Philippines to help keep children safe online.


Free education for children

There are online courses such as Stairway Foundation Inc.’s free cyber safety courses for kids. It’s important that kids are educated and trained on how to safely use the internet, this way they can make safe decisions when they are online.


Top tip: Younger children learn better through visual aids like posters or interactive activities and games. You can use Twinkl’s internet and phone safety multiple-choice quiz game to stimulate thinking actions to take during certain situations and check their knowledge.


What can you do to minimize the digital threats at home?

Explore child-friendly search engines



Kiddle.co search engine specifically designed for kids powered by Google. It offers safe web browsing for children as results are vetted by editors to filter out inappropriate content for kids.
Enable parental control on your children’s devices

The use of parental controls reduces the risk of your kids viewing inappropriate content online. You should also monitor your child's internet activity and use age-appropriate settings on devices in order to avoid digital threats. Here’s a guide on setting parental control on different devices.

Set time limits — screen time

It’s no doubt that the screen time for children has increased since the pandemic. It’s important that children develop healthy screen time.

Too much screen time can have a negative impact on children’s sleeping patterns, concentration, mental health and physical activity. That’s why it's important children are aware of the importance of taking regular breaks and using screen time optimally and effectively.



5 Important Internet Safety Tips to Teach Your Children

1. Do not post or share your personal details to strangers online.

Personal details include the child's school name, home address, bank account details, location, and full name.


2. Think before you accept and connect.

Only accept a friend request from people you actually know. You can never be sure whether the person you are talking online is really who they say they are.



3. You should never meet anyone you met online in person.

If someone asks to meet you, tell your parents, guardian or friends right away. Some people may not be who they say they are.

4. Never respond to horrible or rude posts or emails.

Think about your behavior as well. Be nice, do not be a bully. Unfriend or block anyone you find inappropriate, horrible, or bothersome.

5. Think carefully before posting and sharing a picture or video yourself.

You may be blackmailed in the future by anyone who has your personal photo or video.

___

April 08, 2022 No comments

 



Potty training—one of the many things I dreaded when I became a mother, knowing how messy and challenging it is. 

To my surprise, however, our daughter was fully potty-trained when she was 2 years old and 6 months! Here's how we did it:



When did we start potty-training?

A week after our daughter turned 2, I started to introduce her to the potty.

However, we didn't push through with the "full-blown" potty training until she was 2 years and 6 months old.


What potties did we use?

We had the same exact potty like the photo below, yet the magical flushing sound didn't work because it was a hand-me-down from my sister.



We also have a cushioned potty seat like the one below so that we can provide two options for our daughter to choose. I use the positive discipline method of providing limited choices for our toddler.



Most of the time, in the beginning, she'd choose the pink potty chair over the cushioned potty seat. But as of this writing, she has no problem using both.


Assessing our toddler's readiness for potty training

We took things slowly. I let her pee in her potty every morning, but the rest of the day, she was in diapers.

She still couldn't pull down her pants, and in my instinct, I felt that she wasn't ready yet.

So I didn't force her.

We continued this routine for nearly six months before I felt that she was ready for a more "intensive" potty training session.

Of course, it also helped that she sees how I pee.


How did I know our toddler was ready for potty training?

In all honesty, I didn't—I just followed my instincts. 

But I did notice the following signs for the past few months before she turned 2 years old, and the months that followed before she turned 2 years and 6 months:

  • She had fewer wet diapers at night.
  • She stays dry for around 2 hours during the day.
  • She shows interest in my toilet "rituals," making comments like, "Mommy remove panty!" or "Mommy wiwi!" or "Mommy pooping!"
  • She actually tells me when she's peeing or pooping herself, and then asks me to change her diapers

Our potty training method

Every child is different, so there really is no cookie-cutter approach when it comes to potty training. 

But perhaps to help you and give you an idea, here's how we did it:


1. Gradually introducing her to the potty

Take time for training. Potty training is a huge milestone for a child, so it's best to introduce it gradually.

The gradual introduction included:

  • Letting her know what a potty is and how it is used
  • Showing her how I pee
  • Letting her use her own potty at least once a day
  • Teaching her how to undress herself
  • Reading her a book about potty training. We used Caroline Jayne Church's Potty Time!



2. Letting her know in advance that she will be wearing underwear 

I find it respectful to let her know in advance what to expect. For example:

"K, this morning, you won't be wearing diapers. You will be wearing panties instead. This means you can't pee in your panty. And then what do we do when you need to pee?"

And then she will answer, "Go potty!"


3. Gradually "weaning off" from diapers

On the first day, I let her wear panties for the whole morning, and then diapers in the afternoon and at night.

I opted to do this so as to make the transition more bearable for her.

Expect a lot of mess, but be patient—the accidents will lessen as she learns that she can no longer use her diapers.

Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

On the second day, I let her wear panties the whole morning, plus 2 hours in the afternoon.

On the third, fourth, and fifth day, I increased hours of wearing panties in 2-hour increments. At night, I still let her wear diapers.

This went on for about seven days, until she surprised me that she could stay dry on her panties for longer and then promptly peed on the potty when she needed to go!


4. Making up our own "potty song"

I tried to make potty training fun and a bonding experience for both of us.

So I made up a simple song that we sing whenever she goes potty—simple enough so that our toddler could sing it with me!

Ours was like this (the tune, I made it up as well):


Wiwi, wiwi, wiwi baby girl 
(exchange with poopoo if she does #2)
Potty, potty, potty baby girl
Ang among baby nag wiwi sa potty! 
(Translates to: "Our baby is peeing in her potty!")


5. Set routine; set alarms

This was something I learned from an online mom group: setting an alarm so that I myself won't forget!

My method was that I set an alarm every 2 hours (the maximum time that I observed she can stay dry), and the ringtone was a recording of me saying:

"K, wiwi or poopoo potty please!"

By the fourth or fifth day, our daughter was able to anticipate this and it became part of our routine—by then, I stopped using the alarm.

She was also able to pee regularly as needed on the seventh day and beyond!

It's important to set a routine when potty training. How you do yours is all up to you and your toddler.

6. Night-time potty training

In all honesty, I wasn't confident enough to let her wear panties when she's asleep. 

I let her wear pull-up diapers for around three or five months after she was fully potty-trained (daytime).

However, all throughout that duration, K stayed dry! 

The only times when she would accidentally pee while sleeping was when she overslept after staying up so late, overtired.

I realized that K was also potty-trained at night at the same time she was potty-trained during daytime—I just didn't trust her enough, but here we are!


Things we did NOT do:

  • Sticker chart or rewards—Verbal encouragement and our sing-along during potty time were enough for our toddler to be happy.
  • Regular waking up at night for night-time potty training—As I mentioned, we just let her sleep through the night in her pull-up diapers, with the pink potty chair inside our room. But then, she stayed dry overnight nearly all the time!

____

And that's about it—how our toddler was potty-trained at 2 years and 6 months old! :)

Again, every child is different. Some even don't reach this milestone until they're around 3 or 4. Don't worry! Children will learn in their own time.
August 12, 2020 No comments

 



Potty training is a major milestone but often considered as one of the most challenging parts of early parenting.

I have read countless online comments from moms—both first-time parents and veteran ones—about the long and difficult process of potty training.

There's also the years-long challenge of overcoming bedwetting.

However, every kid is different. Some take a lot of time to potty train, while others seem to be a natural at it.

If you're in the trenches of potty training, here are some tips for stress-free potty training:


1. Wait and let your child's readiness lead

A child's ability to be potty trained is highly dependent on his/her readiness, both on the cognitive and physical level.

Parenting experts say that while it's considered developmentally "appropriate" to expect 18- to 24-month-olds to be potty trained, some children are not ready yet until they are 3 or 4 years old.

And if you have a boy, it's more expected that they get ready later than girls do.

So if it seems that your toddler isn't interested in potty training yet, the best course of action is to wait and let your child's readiness lead.


2. Know the signs of potty training readiness

More often than not, you may be misled by online articles and books claiming that if you use their same exact methods, you can potty-train your child in just a few days.

However, that's not always the case. If you introduce potty training prematurely, the chances of success are slim.

Knowing the signs of potty training readiness can give you a good idea whether it's the right time for your toddler to be potty trained.


Some of these are the following:

  • Able to maintain being "dry" for at least 2 hours or during nap times.
  • Can walk and/or run steadily.
  • Can pull his/her pants down and/or up.
  • Can sit down patiently in one place for 5 minutes.
  • Is curious about your bathroom habits.
  • Can become uncomfortable when his/her diapers are dirty.
  • Can follow simple instructions.
  • Can verbalize when he/she needs to go.


3. Encourage, encourage, encourage

Encouragement goes a long way when you're training your toddler—be it for potty training or many other developmental milestones.

Praise is just not enough, such as "Good job!"

Be specific in what you find delightful. For example, "Wow, you were able to pee in the potty just in time!"

And whenever there are accidents—and there will be many—stay calm and unruffled, and really mean it.

It's best not to redirect the child. You need to acknowledge his/her accident yet still encourage the toddler.

For example, "Oopsy! You peed in your underwear, and now you're upset that you're dirty. But you did a good job in letting me know that you're peeing! Let's try to pee in the potty next time!"

Or sometimes, a simple "Oh, darling. That's okay. Thank you for trying!" worked really well for us.


4. Read them books, sing them songs

I'm a huge fan of using picture books and songs to teach my toddler.

It's also a fun way to teach children and effective tools in helping them recall the lesson better.

Here are some of the books and songs/videos I used to help K during our potty training:

"Potty Time!" by Caroline Jayne Church

I love how simple and fun this book is, with its short and cute sentences that rhyme, and the "Flush me!" button.



There's also a book reading video of Potty Time! here:


Potty Training Song - Cocomelon

What parent has never heard of Cocomelon? Our toddler loves this particular video



However, when we potty trained, I made up a special potty training song for my toddler that's simple enough so that she can also sing along with me while she peed/pooped.


5. Be gentle; let go of perfection

Lastly, be gentle and kind, both to your toddler and to yourself. Let go of the vision of perfection.

Remember, if your toddler hasn't been potty-trained yet, it's highly likely that he/she isn't ready.

No one keeps a record of your parenting wins, and there surely is no competition on who the best parent is in the world.

I know it's easier said than done. But here's one thing that helped me whenever I try to teach my daughter something:

A child is a whole person from the day he/she is born. 
And as with every person, we learn at our own pace. 
Trust your child.



____



In a previous post, I shared to you how our toddler was quickly potty-trained. If you'd like to know how we did it, head on to this post: How Our Toddler Was Potty-Trained at 2.6 Years Old

August 11, 2020 No comments

 



One of the many things that parents take for granted is their mental health. It's often considered "selfish" to put yourself first, even when you're mentally drained and burned out.

But one thing I learned the hard way is that a parent's mental health matters, far more than we realize. It's actually one of the many reasons that we decided to be an only-child family.

The Guilt When You Put Yourself First

Both my husband and I are guilty of occasionally putting ourselves first.

We feel guilty when we take a few minutes to rest while our toddler plays on her own.

I feel guilty when I leave our daughter at home with my husband sometimes just so I can go out for a cup of coffee and have some peace and quiet. 

At one point, we left our daughter at a daycare for a couple of hours so we can have a proper date after two long years, and we felt a tinge of guilt for that.

But you know? It's not selfish. Putting yourself first as a parent and caring for your mental health is perfectly okay.

As first-time parents, or even parents of multiples, finding time to take care of yourself is an elusive luxury. And what makes it more difficult is that parents are made to think that doing so is an act of neglect, or worse, child abuse. 

What's wrong with taking a little breather for just a few minutes or a few hours, while also making sure your child is taken care of by a trusted caregiver?

And what's wrong with deciding to be one and done if doing so gives you more peace of mind?

Photo by Luma Pimentel on Unsplash

The Struggles of Being a First-Time Parent

Everybody will agree on this: being a first-time parent is hard.

And it's especially true during the newborn stage when your little bundle of joy turns out to be a little energy vampire who wakes up at the most inconvenient time.

The first three months when our daughter was born is still a blur to me—I can't remember much of it except for my husband and I being so perpetually exhausted and sleep-deprived.

Praise all the saints that when our daughter was 3.5 months old, she started sleeping through the night—or at least for around 4 hours straight before she cried and asked to be fed or held.

Our daughter is relatively an "easy" baby: She isn't colicky, she breastfeeds well, she sleeps through most nights, and is generally undemanding. 

My pregnancy was rather uneventful too (save for eight whole months of whole-day "morning" sickness), and I had a quick delivery (just one push!).

That's one of the reasons why I feel guilty about being one and done: I had it easy, while some others had it worse, but I chose to stop at one. Am I a bad mother for not wanting more children?

However, things were not always that easy. During pregnancy, I suffered from prenatal depression, to the point that there was not a day that I did not consider suicide.

I did not seek help, and this carried on for months and months.

Deciding to become a stay-at-home mom didn't make things better for me either. The loneliness and monotony of staying home 24/7 was just too much for me to handle, that most of the time, I was grumpy and easily stressed out. 

What made it worse was that I kept on thinking, "How the hell will I survive if we had a second child, or more?"

Photo by Liv Bruce on Unsplash

Deciding to Be One and Done

All the while, I felt guilty because our daughter couldn't get the best parts of me because the dark cloud of depression and the anxiety of planning for a second child was plaguing me. 

My mental health was going down the drain, until one day, I said to my husband in a fit of distress:

"I don't want a second child! I'm done!"

Then he said, "It's all right. I'm fine with just one."

All the while I was wallowing in my sorrow, I didn't even stop to think about my husband's mental health.

He was emotionally and physically drained too, and I didn't pay attention. If we hadn't opened up to each other that time, our marriage would have been inadvertently affected as well.

After a long talk and months of being on the fence, we decided that having an only child was best for all of us:

  • We can dedicate all our love, attention, and energy to our daughter.
  • We can have more time on our hands to fit in travel, mental health days, and simple family bonding activities, without stressing over finances and childcare.
  • We can have more money to save for our daughter's tuition fees and all her needs, as well as our retirement, mortgage, car, business plans, etc.
  • And most importantly, we can be happier and better parents for our daughter because we have more time to take care of our mental health.
Photo by Jeniffer Araújo on Unsplash

Happy Parent, Happy Child

When we finally became more confident with our decision to be one and done, I also found it easier to deal with the stresses of parenthood.

I stopped putting too much pressure on myself because I didn't have to worry about preparing for a second baby. 

I coped with my depression better because I started to see the world more clearly, now that the dark cloud is slowly going away. 

Our house felt a lot like home because the tension between our marriage is gone, and this also meant a happier environment for our daughter to grow up in.

I worried less and enjoyed motherhood more: every smile, every laughter, and every moment was precious because our daughter will be our first and last. 

It's bittersweet, but it's also freeing. Indeed, a happy parent equals a happy child. 


The Bottom Line

So is it selfish to stop at one child to be happier and less stressed? Are we bad parents for putting our mental health first? 

The answer is definitely NO.
July 15, 2020 No comments
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

My name is Kristenne, misis to Jerome and mommy to Kitty. I'm a work-at-home mom, writer, and editor. Learn more about what my blog is in the About page. If you'd like to work with me, or you have other questions and concerns, please feel free to contact me.



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